H I S T O R I U M

Her family had been in the Waste before the Lobos, her grandfather had been the mayor when they first moved into town. When the Lobos came they revived their paltry city, stimulated their economy and provided their protection. Most of the locals appreciated the Wolves, they kept to their own side of town for the most part and they presence kept away any other threats. Her grandfather protected the Lobos of the Waste, and her father as Sheriff later inherited that debt. 

Anita grew up in the house two doors down from the Pieldelobo’s. Bash and Bas were like older brothers to her, but they always let her play with them. Her fondest memories were of the three of them running between their yards chasing one another with glee. When the other boys tried to say she couldn’t play with Bash would stand up for her, and challenged anyone who wanted to exclude her to take it up with him. 

Despite her mother’s attempts to put her in dresses and ribbons in her hair, Anita would mostly wear boy clothes. She spent her days running wild with the Lobo brothers, coming back with her clothes torn and dirt on her face. Some of the boys teased her, going as far as to jump her to teach her a lesson. When her dad saw the bruises he took it upon himself to teach her how to defend herself. She was small but that could be an advantage if you knew how to use it. Anita picked up quickly, she was swift on her feet. She was too scrawny to really deliver a good knock out punch, but her dad taught her to use her opponent's momentum against them.

The next time one of the boys that bullied her tried to corner her, Anita tried out her new skills. She dodged their attacks easily, sidestepping them until they grew tired. Once she saw them lose their balance as they lunged forward, she grabbed onto their arm and flipped them forward so that they landed flat on their back. They never messed with her again after that. 

Anita had been a lanky thing through most of puberty, boys and girls didn’t look at her like how they looked at other boys and girls. Her hair was often brushed out into a fro that weighed past her shoulders and framed her face like a Lion’s mane. She never wore makeup, no matter how much her mom asked her to just try. While she had started shopping in the women's section, her fashion choices were still very masculine - at least according to the whispers behind her back.

“She wants to be a boy.” The popular girls would giggle as she passed. 

“Don’t listen to them, you just be you.” Bash would reassure her. He never questioned her identity, just accepted her as she was. Even though he was a couple of grades ahead of her they always remained close. Everyone in town knew about the Lobos, and that the Pieldelobo’s were somehow royalty around them - but Bash was always just Bash to her. She had no idea how deep the Lobos already had their teeth sunk into her family. 

Her father made a point to never talk about the Pieldelobos or the Lobos in his home. He didn’t want his daughter asking questions about his connection to the gang, too ashamed to tell her she wasn’t the man of the law she thought he was. He knew the Lobo boys would inherit the crown, but they were good boys and they looked out for his daughter. It was easier to turn an eye to their friendship when they were children and he thought they would grow apart, but Anita only seemed to grow closer to them with time. 

When she started high school they pushed her to make new friends, but she just fell right back into step with Bash. Even though she was a couple of grades behind, Anita and Bash shared some classes. They were both a bit of loners, preferring to keep to themselves - and Johnson of course. Everyone else was so concerned about being popular, she was just happy to have a real friend. Her mother would tease that they were well on their way to marriage, but it was never like that with Bash. They just got each other. It became apparent that their friendship would not just fade, much to her father’s dismay.

When she was weeks from graduation, he took her with him one day to work. Not to the station, no this trip was one he wouldn’t be writing a report on. He shook her awake in the middle of the night, telling her to grab her shoes and be quiet. He took her to the warehouse district to a crime scene and told her to wait in the car, but that she needed to watch. She remembered Ella Fitzgerald’s voice was singing on the stereo when she saw him emerge from the warehouse. Anita always loved Ella Fitzgerald, even as a child. When she was a baby it was one of the few things that would lull her to sleep. Now she couldn’t hear the woman’s voice without thinking of this night.

Her dad emerged with two other men who were each carrying a duffel bag. They placed them in the trunk as her dad got into the car. So many questions were burning on her tongue but when she saw his face she fell silent. The sound of Ella Fitzgerald and the hum of the engine were the only things breaking the silence as they drove. She didn’t realize she was holding her breath until they were several blocks out, gasping for air suddenly. If he noticed he made no indication, keeping his eyes forward as he drove.

They drove out of the city limits into the desolate desert, she fell asleep at some point while the sands were still painted colors of the night sky. It was twilight when she woke up, the sound of the trunk slamming jolting her from her sleep. She looked around, nothing but jagged mountains and sand around them. They were out past the edge of the Waste into no man’s land, a land so desolate even the most ambitious cacti would wither and die. 

“What are we doing here?” Anita asked as she stepped out from the patrol car, wiping the sleep from her eyes. Her father had a duffel in either hand, nodding his head to beckon her to follow. He had never been a man of many words, but his eerie silence had reached a point of unnerving. They walked towards a cliff, her father setting them both near the edge.

He plucked a cigar from the breast pocket of his uniform, nodding towards either bag and grunting for Anita to open them. The mystery had been creating knots in her stomach, putting her ill at ease. Her hands were trembling as she reached for the duffel, fumbling with the zipper as she tugged it open. She pulled apart the dark canvas, holding her breath as she looked inside. Stone bricks lined the duffel looking up at her, mocking her.

Confused, Anita looked up to her father. His face was hidden behind a cloud of smoke, the morning light rising behind him. Years later she could remember every detail of this moment down to the way the dry air settled in her lungs. He kicked either duffel into the ditch below, waiting until he heard the thud of them hitting the ground below them to speak.

“This time it’s bricks, next time who knows. Sometimes it’s guns, sometimes it’s drugs…. Sometimes worse. They tell me not to look, but I know they want me to. Make it so I’m the only one who knows what’s dumped where so if it comes out they know who’s the rat.” He paused for a moment, inhaling his cigar deeply. A million questions were racing through Anita’s mind, her lips struggling to articulate the words. He continued, “Even if they don’t need me to dispose of anything they just give me bags of brick - because it’s not just about getting rid of evidence. It’s about putting me in my place as their errand boy.”

His voice seethed with venom, something Anita had never heard in her father’s voice before. They sat there for a little while longer, settling into the burden of truth. She didn’t have to ask who he was referring to. She knew who the Lobos were, their influence in the Waste - but she had always imagined her father as a man of the law. He was like her knight in shining armor, but now that was tainted. Once the sunrise ended her father clapped a hand on her shoulder and walked back to the car, waiting for her to follow.

They never spoke about what happened that night again. She would hear his car ride out in the middle of the night every month, looking out her window as he pulled out from the driveway. Anita had never kept a secret from Bash before, but it felt wrong telling someone else’s secret. At first she pretended she was just busy with exams and graduation to avoid seeing him, but after graduation she had ran out of excuses. A part of her wanted to resent him for what his family was putting her father through, but she couldn’t. He still was just Bash.

“Is there somewhere we can just run away to? Just for a weekend? I’ve got to get out of the house, out of my head…. It’s complicated.” She said to him that night, too scared to ask him if he knew and too guilt-ridden to return home after hanging out with the kin of her father’s jailer. He must’ve known if she was asking, she was serious. Anita didn’t just go on spontaneous adventures, everything she did was intentional and carefully thought out. Leaving the Waste was prohibited, but isolation was always easy to seek in the desert.

The Oasis was too isolated to be habitable, just a glorified pond out in the middle of the barren desert. The Lobos had an RV camped up nearby, though the elements had taken its toll on the vehicle. Anita used some rags she found to dust inside, hanging the sheets from the windows in hopes that fresh air would wash away the stale smell. They only had whatever supplies they had bought from the bodega on their way out of town, drinking water out of gallon jugs and eating ravioli from tin cans. 

“You can have the bed.” Bash had offered that first night.

“And you sleep where? On the floor, or in the little half booth? Yeah right, don’t be a baby. We can share the bed.”

It was innocent enough, they fell asleep beside each other talking until they couldn’t keep their eyes open a second longer. When she woke up and she saw him beside her she smiled. Despite everything he was still the most important person in her life, isn’t that what people spend their whole lives looking for? Her gut twisted, so confused as to why she was having such strange feelings about Bash after all this time. They were friends, that’s all.

Neither of them had gone home to grab a change of clothes before heading out of town, both of them opting to wade in the oasis in the underwear. Bash had seen her in a swimsuit countless times, very well could have seen her naked at some point as a toddler - but all of a sudden Anita felt exposed. She felt herself looking at him differently, nervous he would catch her and realize she was a terrible friend and leave her in the desert.

“You want a beer?” He offered her that night. It was warm and tasted like piss, but she just needed to let go a little. Looking back she laughed at how clueless she had been, thinking she could pour alcohol on complicated emotions to wash them away. Stupid girl.

Maybe Bash had felt the same complicated knots that she did, or maybe the alcohol just impaired both of their judgement enough to make them think it was worth a shot. He was more experienced than anyone else she’d ever been with, she remembered being surprised by how deftly he had twisted her from straddling him to pinning her against the wall. They had an intimacy as friends that had easily shifted to a sexual chemistry. That weekend they fucked until they ran out of condoms, then when he dropped her off he gave her a tepid kiss on the cheek - both unsure what this meant. 

They hooked up a couple times after that, but it quickly became clear the explosive chemistry they had experienced at the Oasis was just an aberration. Even though the decision was mutual, it still felt strange between them for a while. Uni was fast approaching and it was starting to seem like she’d leave this place just leaving a series of messes behind her. First ignoring her father’s warning, then overextending her relationship with Bash - leaving both unresolved.

If it wasn’t for Johnson it might’ve worked out that way. He forced the two to talk out their issues, they only had a month left of the summer before she left. He wasn't going to spend it sitting in their awkward silence. It was easy to want to leave and leave things as they were, but Anita didn’t like taking the easy route. Her father wasn’t as keen on resolutions, though he was eager for her to leave. 

“I want you to accomplish all your dreams and then some,” Her dad told her as they packed up her car to leave for university. “Get out of this town. Make a name for yourself away from this place.”

That first year she only came back for Christmas, but she always kept in touch with Bash. When her dad pushed her to pursue a summer job on campus she was resistant. She’d adapted to dorm life, but she missed home - her friends. Then she found a program that not only paid her but also provided school credit. Tutoring kids from the local high schools. It was easy work, and she could stay in the dorms free of charge. She would still get two weeks at home before fall semester started up, which sounded short but something was better than nothing. 

It ended up being more fulfilling than she expected, even if some of the kids were brats. The other students who worked alongside her weren’t like the other people she’d meet at school. Anita had to bust her ass to qualify for her scholarships, financial aid helped some but she knew the difference still left her parents struggling. They refused to let her settle for a less prestigious school, insisting that she should only apply to the best schools. She never expected to get in, her SAT and ACT scores might have been impressive but her high school was practically a joke - no matter her ranking. Though apparently the university could overlook quaint small town public elementary education.

So many of the other people she would meet at school came from money. They few she could tolerate were still so self-absorbed it made it impossible to forge a real connection. Anita didn’t mind that part so much, she didn’t like sharing much about her life back home. The people she met through the summer program though, they all had grit. It was the first time she ever made a real friend outside of the Waste, or even one that was unfettered by her family’s dark secrets. These people just knew her as Anita Hightower, a small town girl with a mind for numbers and a foul mouth. In the Waste her identity was so closely tied to her family and her friends, things here were so much more simple. People saw her at face value.

Anita came back to the program year after year, only coming home for a couple weeks in the year just before fall semester and again for Christmas. She suffocated any guilt for staying away, burying herself in her studies. Between her summer program and steady course schedule, Anita finished a semester early. She had an internship that started after her graduation at the end of the next semester, but in the meantime she’d have to return to the Waste.

It felt strange being back after all this time, her brief visits were always enough to make her miss this place when she left. She had always remained in touch with Bash and Johnson, but it was obvious things had changed for both of them. It was easy to ignore for those two weeks she was home, but looking at 12 weeks in limbo their differences were glaring. Bash and Johnson always seemed to leave without explanation, a text or call suddenly demanding their attention. She wasn’t dumb, she knew what the tattoo on their neck meant. She just didn’t realize how many secrets it would sow between them. 

One night when her father meant to sneak out to meet the Lobos for his monthly drop, he found Anita leaning against his car waiting for him. She was done playing this charade of the clueless Sheriff’s daughter. 

“Are you high?” He asked her, pushing her from his car. 

“Take me, or I’ll just drive myself. Those are your options.”

At least if he drove her he could keep an eye on her. They went the whole way in silence, just like that night all those years ago. She didn’t know what she was going to do, or what they would say when they saw her - but she needed to know. When her dad pulled into the warehouse she felt her heart rate speed up. There was this feeling she couldn’t shake, something that could only be resolved by walking into that warehouse with her dad.

He knew better than to try to fight her, it’d just prolong the inevitable. When she set her mind to something, Anita was relentless. She fell into step beside him, looking around for anyone who might be lurking around the building. Her father beelined for the door, not even bothering to glance around them. This was Lobos land, the only monsters lurking in the shadows were inside that building.

He knocked on the door five times, rapping a pattern. A slot in the door slid open, looking out onto them both. She could recognize those eyes anywhere, they looked passed her father and onto her. Anita tilted her head, looking back at the big ole brown eyes. The slot closed, and after a moment she heard the locks click followed by the door opening held by Johnson. He gestured for them both to enter, eyes lingering with Anita’s for a moment before averting to the ground.

The warehouse was mostly filled with crates, save for near the door. They had a couple couches facing an old TV that still used antennas, a coffee table covered in empty beer bottles and makeshift ashtrays then behind that was a card table with a few chairs around it, Bash sitting there with his leg propped atop the table.

“What are you doing here Anita?” He asked.

She looked over to the duffel's set near the door, then back to him and Johnson. Something had told her they would be here, an instinct. She could see it in the way they looked at her. “Just wanted to see it for myself, I guess.”

Her words were harmless but her tone expressed disappointment. She knew they were Lobos of the Waste, it only makes sense they’d know about her father’s ties to them - but a small more naive part of her hoped for the contrary. Most of the other Lobos had gathered around the tv, but Anita’s appearance had pulled their attention. 

“Go home, Nita.” Bash said firmly, standing up and approaching the Hightowers. 

“You read my mind, I was just on my way out. I’ve got all I needed.”

She felt a strange sense of satisfaction finally confronting this dark secret that had been hanging over her. Her dad stayed behind to finish the job, she just left. Couldn’t stand being there another second. Hitchhiked home then locked herself in her room for a few hours, just staring up at the ceiling. The choice to play dumb was gone now, she’d made that clear. What would that mean for them?

All she wanted to do was get away, check out for a little while. She had her bag packed and everything when Bash came knocking on the door. It wasn’t that she wanted to ignore him, or that she was even angry with him. Neither of them had chosen this fate. Every instinct was telling her not to answer the door, but it was Bash. She couldn’t leave things like this.

“Hey,” He said when she opened the door, offering up a box of donuts from Dun Well Donuts. They were always her weakness. She took the box and sat down on stoop beside one another. There was a fraught silence between them as she ripped into the donuts one after another, staring off into the distance ahead both afraid to speak first.

“I’m sorry it all went down like that.” He said eventually.

 “I mean, was there ever going to be a right way for that all to go down?” Anita gave a sad smile, shaking her head and dusting the crumbs from her hands. “We were fucked from the start. I was just tired of having to pretend, you know?”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“Do you think things can go back to how they were?” Anita asked, biting the inside of her cheek.

“Probably not, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.”

 “Yeah, I guess not.” She smiled. He always managed to put the right spin on things to provide some perspective. Just like that, all the complications just melted away and they were Anita and Bash again. It wasn’t like it all went away, but at their core they knew that their friendship transcended all this familial bullshit. 

Then Bel entered the picture. Growing up Anita had never even given Bel a second glance. He was the younger Lobo boy who had trouble follow him like a dark cloud. She had witnessed Bash clean up after him all their lives, he was a mess. It was a shock to everyone when Bel wooed Anita.

He had grown up nicely, his baby face evolving into a sort of boyish charm. Trouble still seemed to follow him, but it was nice to have someone who’s problems she could solve so neatly. Fixing his problems made her feel a little more in control of her own. Of course Bash didn’t like Anita getting mixed in Bel’s shit, but there was only so much within his control.

Her life became deeper and deeper entrenched in the wolves. As much as Bash tried to keep it hidden from her, she could put the pieces together herself. They needed someone with a mind for business, a mind for numbers. They had too high of a cash flow and their books were just asking for an audit. One night Anita laid it out, refusing to leave until Bash put her on the payroll. It took some promises and vague threats, but eventually she was appointed as the official unofficial treasurer of the Lobos and thus secured her rank within the gang.